My Everest…

People have asked me how I manage to be so positive about things when there is a shit storm raging about in my life.   Honestly I really don’t know.  I just try to keep moving and try not to let the negative things affect me.  Do they affect me? 100%  I just don’t show it in my going out persona as there is someone who always tends to have it worse then I do.   Or they will argue that they do.   So what to do ?   I listen and give feedback positively, humorously.   The only people that really know what is going on in my mind and how I feel regularly are my husband and close family.  My Everest support network gets the reader’s digest version of stuff.   Occasionally more.   Bottom line is I deal with it but I show no tears.  Hence I have been told that I have a black heart.   When I do show my tears I am always told that crying isn’t going to help you, it’s just going to make you feel like crap.   My husband who is very emotional and can cry watching a very moving tv show etc…  But I must have someone putting a good narrative on my ticker tape in my head.  I am very slow to tear up.  You can say that I am very stoic.  So in being that way I sometimes come off as cold or black hearted or sometimes even “no heart”.  At one time I was around people at a  funeral and they were all in tears etc.  I almost felt broken that I lack emotions.   I was asked how I was dealing with everything that was going on and sarcastically said I open a box, toss all the feelings in and close it! They sarcastically responded Oh the Polish way !! Yup pretty much.   I mean I’ve talked to my friends and my HD councillor and the only way to go is to get through the other side and when you come out do you want to be sad and angry ??   Or you can be ok and see what happens the next day and the day after.  I cannot predict anything so just stewing in sadness is not where I want to be.  I want to be supportive and be that shoulder to lean on if I checked out the first day with depression then that’s not a good thing for anyone around me nor my mom.   So stoic it is!  The question then is if people are judging me for not being weepy enough.  At this point I cannot focus on them and the version of me that they want to see or hear.   I am who I am and how I am and I will not change that for anyone and we need to giggle at my black-heartedness, because if we don’t then it’s a sopping mess that no one wants to deal with.   Don’t get me wrong if you are the type of person that weeps on a dime.  There’s a time and place for everything and I will have my moment it’s just not right now.  Something at some point will hit me and I will stew in a wave of sadness and tears, but right now is just not that time.  How will I manage when her appointment time comes and they get into the the nitty gritty of the stages of her cancer and the time she has left ….only god knows but the one thing he does know as does my mom is for now I will be her rock and her voice through the process.  No need to try and be strong for me just do you and if you feel like crap then you feel like crap.  But honesty is the best policy there because they will be assessing her needs at the time.  So if she sits and says I’m fine…(lies!!) I have already told her I will counter it plain and simple.  Like it or not we are in this together as I will be taking her to Dr’s appointments and taking care of her during the day if needed.  So we need to row this boat together !! Paddling in the same direction…. Of course! 

I am exhausted and I think still reeling from all the information pummeled at me and my mom yesterday. Seeing the people in various stages of decline and some with no hair.  Some wearing masks etc.   It was a lot.