My Everest…

After I dropped my mom off at home My brain had alone time with this information…1/2 way home I was OMG like my body started to get a very heavy feeling and my eyes were tearing up.  I made it home safely with some buzzing in my ears and when that went away there was silence. Deafening silence!    I sat down in front of my laptop and started to type one line emails to some people letting them know they were very brief and to the point my body was weighing me down in the chair that I couldn’t move.  I talked to my daughter, told her the info and gave her the lowdown on how grandma is feeling and thankful I didn’t breakdown then.  I talked to my god mom and I was on the verge of breakdown but still my body wasn’t ready I guess.  I sent texts out to a few people and as I slowly responded back it felt like each response was a confirmation of what I just heard.  I sent out a note to a group of ladies that I knew would help me …telling them that I need my support group to call or text.  Either way I needed to talk and tell someone other than the 4 walls surrounding me.   My husband called me before the first call came in and I bawled my way through that one.   Next call was from my lady and I just blurted it all out with tears flowing after a bit I let her go.  My sister in law called stating that she knew and was I ok?   As best as can be expected I answered.   Then a bit later my other lady called me as I told her this she was shocked as is everyone by the news.   Somehow I muddled through the day my building friend came and allowed me a cry on her shoulder. Then hubby came home from work and I gave him details and we had dinner.   By 7:30pm I was falling asleep on the couch not sure why…was flare bear trying to protect me?   So off to bed I took myself and didn’t wake

up until after 8am.  Was I shocked? Tried? Emotionally drained? Stressed?  I was all of it !! Crazy that my body just shut down……

After my brain processed and shut my body down I noticed that I had one thing left: Anger, and frustration.  Frustration at the entire process to get the appointment at the cancer clinic and the wait time for it.   It’s a lot to ask from a person to deal with the news that you have it and their family but there is a lot of unanswered questions lingering and has everyone using dr google for them.   What stage is she at?  Has it spread anywhere else? ?For how long?  What if any treatments are available ?    If so what will my mom decide?   There are a lot of unknowns!   For as much as we have been given some answers.  We have many many more unanswered ones.   Anger at the entire situation.   Is she going to die ??   God doesn’t give people more than we can deal with but come on now !  Our family has had their fair share So please just stop already.  However I try to deal with it in my own way.   Along with this we are still dealing with the cleanup from a recent flooding so needless  to say but both the situations are fluid and to keep anger in check I am trying to aim my frustrations and anger at the right place.  However, where that place is; is difficult to pinpoint. So here i sit  in my pot of anger and stew as there is nothing else to do.  Like why ?  Why me?  Why us ?  Why my family ?   Anything and everything I have read or heard about pancreatic cancer is never positive, and then for it to be metastatic and in her lungs as well it just sucks the big enchilada.  Nothing in the health department ever seems to work out for us.   But we deal with it the best we can.   Let me define metastatic for everyone as that word had everyone “googling” the answer.   Metastasis means that the cancer cells have spread from where they first formed are free flowing in the body and moved to form another new tumor in other organs or tissues in the body. In mom’s case she had kidney cancer many years ago and there must have been a cell or 2 left over and  grow they did!!  Oj Vej!