Do you know how horrible it feels not to be able to turn off your brain at bedtime? Everything runs through it and when you manage to push something aside then another thing and another thing pops into it just like fast and furious like a freight train. So much that all you end up doing is tossing and turning all night like and the state of semi sleep you are in turns into being bright eyed and bushy tailed ready at 3am. Great amount of sleep seeing that you just fell asleep from your trying to fall asleep tossing and turning episode from trying to get to sleep in the first place.
Stringing several nights like this together is not a good time and then everything kicks into high gear. Anxiety, stress, along with crankiness and anger seems to flare quite quickly when dealing with everything around you. Sudden outbursts of tears along with ranting about all things related to waiting , breathing, not sleeping, and you guessed it, my friend the bear of flare is reveling in all of it he’s in all my business, and I am not liking the direction this is all taking me.
But I don’t know how to stop this runaway train in my brain that seems to be hijacking every single part of me. I even jokingly suggested at my latest physio appointment as he was doing acupuncture to stick some needles in my head to stop this uncontrolled mess of a brain. Guess what happened? He shoved a needle into my forehead right between my eyes! Well I did ask for it! The question is did it help me get some sleep…nope, zip, zero, zilch! Honestly I don’t think I will until my mom’s upcoming appointment and even then will still be thinking did she choose to do the right thing? I really don’t think there is a right and wrong in an impossible situation at this point it’s like having her choices on a bullseye and shooting at them. The first one you hit is the one you go with and then go from there. The funny thing about that whole thing is that usually once you do that you end up saying I didn’t want that! I actually wanted this! But you can’t because that choice is unpickable now. You need to deal with the choice you made. As you couldn’t choose beforehand this is what happens. Let me tell you life in this case sucks really bad. But we need to look at the other things regarding my mom or anyone going through this kind of icky mess. There is good in it. We just need an extremely large dose of patience and see what happens after.
Unfortunately for me and my brain …I can tell it so many things and try so many strategies. However in this case it simply cannot stop thinking of every single angle of this situation. Combing through hours of cancer research webpages and coming up with no solution, puts the flare bear in the high alert zone and the warning lights are starting to flash because we are reaching maximum capacity and I have no idea when he’s going to go off on me but we are still somehow managing….but for how long??
I have no idea what happened last night, maybe all my complaining about lack of sleep in my world. The stars aligned and sleep happened! Nothing short of a miracle there but during the night I woke up to go pee and my brain was like yeah we’re sleeping !! My response was shut the F up as we are not waking up now. Thankfully I fell right back to sleep and woke feeling more rested then I had in weeks now. Still tired but a little less of everything. I wonder if the flare bear decided he had enough playing with the train in my brain going round and round but…however and whatever caused it to happen. I just want to say thank you. Unslept nights are horribly long and exhausting. Perhaps the brain figured out that it’s the same stuff running through it so let’s put a pause on it. Let her get some needed z’s
My Everest... 
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