My Everest…

On Days when the flare bear decides to play with me and I need to ride out his wrath I ride out in what I term my Beautiful Prison.  No one thinks of their home this way until you have had to live in it for days or maybe weeks, perhaps months?  Maybe longer without leaving it for extended periods.  Honestly the walls close in and the beauty is there but it gets old and small really fast.   But if you can leave it for just a bit of freedom wow what a difference that time away makes to your mental health.  Just overall well being.  When I was waiting on my surgery and I was feeling loopy from the drugs I couldn’t really go out for a walk on my own so I would do laps in my house in my living room.  We had a contractor doing some maintenance at the house. He probably thought I was crazy ….it’s beautiful out ….why is she walking here and not out there???  For fear of falling and doing a faceplant..  Then having someone have to find me on the ground somewhere having to call 911, and oh the drama!   Hence we stay close to the beautiful prison and everything is ok.   My prisons have drastically changed since then but they are still beautiful.  But my thoughts run to a friend of mine that is sometimes bedridden and my heart breaks because albeit my beautiful prison is small when it’s contained to a bedroom it’s even smaller and harder to cope.  In my mind the smaller the prison the more isolated you become.  Unfortunately the less mobile you are the same happens I complained about not having a car for months ….but she was more than likely in bed because her Lyme disease treatment put her there and if that doesn’t suck big time I don’t know what does.  However I know the value that her or I or anyone take when someone has the time to take you out of there if even for a few minutes.

I used to have a covered porch and I would sit out there for hours just reading books and watching the goings outside.  Then kids from next door came home and told me about their day and it was the perfect amount of freedom.   When you are used to being outdoors like the scouts that she and I are, we itch to be outside.  There is connectivity with the outdoors with the forest.  So when we are bound to our beautiful prisons we yearn to be set free from them.

These last few days the weather has been taking it’s toll on me one day i’m up the next i’m down and then all I want to do is eat junk and stay inside and watch tv. When I do go out I really don’t want to be out and when I’m home i don’t want to be there either.  I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.  But when I talk to people it seems like the same consensus.. I think we all just want whatever this all is to end.   Whatever it is it’s got to go because it’s putting a dent in my mojo.   Feels like i am just slogging thru the days pulling whatever baggage I have with me through one day into the next.  Thankfully the HD walk is coming upon so us  I did some work on that to take my mind off the winter blahs and falalalalahs.  Sent out the e-mail to everyone and more and we will see what kind of a team I come up with this year.  Doubled my own fundraising goals and sent out my asks for funds …we will see what comes of it!    Just a waiting game now and a few more blasts to social media and we will do a podcast about it and see what happens with it all !